Oct 112000
 
two reels

Claire (Michelle Pfeiffer) is happily married to Dr. Norman Spencer (Harrison Ford).  She lives in an ideal old house on a lake.  But things may not be perfect.  Emotionally unstable, she can’t deal with her daughter leaving for college.  She also was injured in an automobile accident a year ago, still mourns her first husband, and misses her music career.  So, when she starts seeing a ghost, she suspects her neighbor of killing his wife, but her husband is afraid she is losing her mind.

The passage of time is good for this film, as those who haven’t seen it can do so without the interference of the worst advertising campaign in history.  What Lies Beneath is a suspense film, with mysteries and misdirects, but the trailer happily revealed everything except the last “twist,” and that final is easy to surmise.  Watch the trailer, and you might as well pick up the film at the hour and thirty minute mark.  I’d also suggest you skip a majority of reviews written in 2000, as they follow the lead of the distributor and say too much.

If you haven’t been spoiled, what you have here is Robert Zemeckis (Contact, Forrest Gump, Death Becomes Her) pretending he’s Hitchcock.  Brian De Palma, who was the previous winner of the “I Stole From a Dead Director” award, must hand the trophy to Zemeckis, who puts more Hitchcock in than Hitchcock ever did.  We get camera moves, music, specific scenes, and plot elements all pulled from the rotund master’s works.  Zemeckis doesn’t deny it (it would be silly to try), stating that he was trying to make the film Hitchcock would have if he’d had digital effects.  Well, on a directing side, he succeeds, and so does the movie.  If you’re going to steal, do it from the best.  All the tricks that made a viewer jump or become tense are used with great effect here.  Zemeckis knows what he’s doing, and I’ve rarely seen such exuberant direction.

The script is another matter.  First (and only) time writer, Clark Gregg, isn’t sure how to write a suspense film, even when he’s swiping from Hitchcock.  I’m afraid he should have pillaged more.  He can’t move the story along or explain what is happening.  So he introduces Jody (Diana Scarwid) who pops into the movie whenever Claire has a feeling to express or some background exposition to discuss.  I need friends like this.  Plus there is the ghost, a very non-Hitchcockian item, that barely has anything to do with the film.  What Lies Beneath is not a ghost story; it is a suspense story with a ghost tossed in.  Whenever the plot stalls, the ghost pops up to move it along.  Clair is trying to figure what happened in the past but is stalled, so the ghost pops in to possess her for a moment and feed her the info.  The ghost could be removed from the film and replaced with some detective work.  When that’s the case, pull the ghost.  If I have to suspend my disbelief in active dead girls, I want there to be a payoff.  There is also the issue of the red herring that takes up half the film.  Yes, red herrings are good in a suspense film, but I felt I’d wasted thirty minutes when a plot thread frays and then vanishes.

What Lies Beneath should have been a topnotch suspense story.  Even with the script errors, and the stiff acting of Ford, it isn’t a bad way to spend a stormy evening.

Oct 112000
 
one reel

The vicious, corporately-governed Pychlos rule Earth and are stripping it of its resources. The few remaining humans are either slaves or live in primitive tribal groups. Security Chief Terl (John Travolta) concocts a plan to use the “man-animals” for secret mining to enrich himself, but he is not prepared for Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper), who will not break and dreams of leading the humans in a revolution.

Do I need to rip apart Battlefield Earth? Is there someone out there saying to himself, “Hey, I bet that Battlefield Earth could be interesting”? Has any critic, ever, remarked that this was a good use of celluloid? However, Battlefield Earth is occasionally called the worst film ever made, and that is a massive overstatement.  Anyone who says that has simply missed a huge number of low budget, direct-to-video releases. There are hundreds of films that have a more ridiculous plot, poorer acting, worse special effects, and lower production values. But most of those are made for under $100,000 and worked on by free labor and untried directors. What puts Battlefield Earth in a special category is that it’s a big budget studio picture with all the advantages of having paid professionals. I’d have thought that those skilled workman would have caught some of the problems since Battlefield Earth fails in almost every way.

When I watch it, it isn’t the mind bogglingly stupid plot and factual errors that make me want to turn it off.  Yes, it suggests humans can learn to fly thousand-year-old, perfectly preserved fighter planes in a week, and that there’s still fuel for them, but then Star Wars had huge audible explosions in space.  Nor does the pathetic acting pull it so far down. Yes, Travolta is terrible (but no worse than he was in Saturday Night Fever—really, don’t take it from your rose-colored memory, re-watch it) and Pepper is so generic I wouldn’t be able to pick him out of a lineup five minutes after the film ends. However, if I compare them to Hayden Christensen in Attack of the Clones, Travolta comes out on top and Pepper’s forgettable nature becomes an asset.

Battlefield Earth’s most destructive flaws all come from Roger Christian, the worst director to get a regular paycheck. He gives the film its ugly, indistinct look. He chose to shoot long shots when any competent director would know to go close.  He keeps the camera still when it should move, and moves it when it should be still. Christian must have watched other films and noticed that the camera sometimes tilts, but he didn’t know why. I guess he never asked, as he too tilts his camera, but in a random manner that suggests a loose screw on the tripod or a drunken cinematographer. Then there are the slow motion shots. Talented directors have made huge mistakes with slow motion, so it’s no surprise that Christian is confused on how to use it. Maybe they were accidental shots; he might have bumped the camera from time to time and changed the speed. It makes as much sense as suggesting the end result was done on purpose.  Nothing could have made this a good film, but mild competence with the equipment and a few 100 level film school classes would have made it tolerable.

I would feel remiss if I didn’t mention the boots. The brilliant costuming trick used to make the Pychlos taller than humans is 1970s pimp boots.  That alone makes this a better film than The Village as nothing in that film made me laugh.

I even laughed at one scripted joke. When Terl refuses to write “shot by man-animal” on a report without seeing it actually happen, he has a gun handed to the human, who shoots another Pychlo. With a shrug, Terl says “I’ll be damned.” It’s not much of a joke, but were you expecting better?

Battlefield Earth is a poor excuse for a film, but it is not even the worst film in budgeted Sci-Fi.  Christians can always point to Contact, Enemy Mine, and Lawnmower Man 2 as proof that others have sinned against the gods of film more than he.

Oct 092000
 
three reels

A gang of thieves, led by Solina (Jennifer Esposito) and Marcus (Omar Epps), break into Matthew Van Helsing’s (Christopher Plummer) secret vault expecting to find treasure. Instead, they release Dracula (Gerard Butler) who heads for New Orleans and Van Helsing’s daughter, Mary (Justine Waddell). While Dracula adds to his stable of beauties (Jeri Ryan, Colleen Fitzpatrick), Van Helsing and his assistant, Simon (Jonny Lee Miller), hunt him.

Sometimes called Wes Craven Presents Dracula 2000, though Craven had little to do with its making, it is a well paced, slick, update of Dracula, that suffers from being unnecessary. The story had been told two or three times too many before this attempt. Still, if you are looking for nothing new, this isn’t a bad way to spend a few hours. Butler is a sensual, angry, and feral count and is stylish striding down the streets at Marti Gras. Plummer is as good a Van Helsing as any (which isn’t saying a lot), but Miller never gets a hold of his underdeveloped Simon. I should care about him, but I don’t. Luckily, all of the females come off better, particularly Waddell who makes Mary strong, sexy, and a little lost.

This is a surprisingly tame horror film. It was given an R rating, but it’s as light an R as I recall seeing. The gore is low (some vampires lose their heads, but in a neat, non-splattering way) and female, succubus-vamps turn out to be rather pure, doing their heaving within their gowns. A bit more blood and flesh would have improved the film as their lack drew my attention.

The one new item inserted into the predictable story has to do with the origins of Dracula and why he can’t die.  It’s a clever twist and almost gives Dracula 2000 a reason to exist. Almost.

It was followed by two direct-to-video sequels: Dracula II: Ascension and Dracula III: Legacy.

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Oct 092000
 
two reels

Vlad the Impaler (Rudolf Martin) tells the story of his life to a church inquisition.  He recounts his battles against the Turks, his deals with the king of Hungary (Roger Daltrey), his marriage to Lidia (Jane March), and his brutal reign where he butchered many in the name of justice and to protect peasantry.

“True” is a nebulous term in film, and in the case of the The True Story of Dracula, it doesn’t mean that the events in the film happened.  Here, it means that this isn’t a story about a guy with fangs drinking blood, but rather a vague rendition of the popular myth of Vlad Tepes, ruler of Wallachia in the fifteenth century.  Known in the West as a barbaric dictator who tortured and killed thousands, he is considered a hero in Romania, saving the country from the Turks.

Dark Prince: The True Story of Dracula doesn’t ignore his crueler acts.  While the low budget eliminates the field of impaled Turks, it gleefully includes his having the ambassadors’ hats nailed to their heads when they wouldn’t remove them.  But told from Vlad’s point of view, his murderous acts are presented as just acts that saved his people.  Only the fact that the atrocities drove his wife insane suggests that maybe he was a tad bit overzealous.  I don’t get many cinematic chances to sympathize with a vicious, dark character, so I found it to be a pleasant change of pace.

Shot in Romania, the countryside is beautiful.  Add in Rudolf Martin’s sensual, light, and sadistic performance, and the twisting plot, and the film has a solid foundation.  However, this is too small a picture for the story.  Where there should be huge armies slaughtering each other across fields and rolling hills, there’s about a busload of guys in a misty forest.  It never feels like these events are changing a nation, but rather a small hamlet.  Peter Weller’ Father Stefan doesn’t help either.  Weller plays him as a man with the flu, for years.  I’m not sure that gastric upset counts as character development.

And while this is supposed to be a story missing the supernatural elements, the filmmakers couldn’t help themselves and put in just enough to upset anyone who thought this was a documentary.  I liked the addition, but I already knew the story was a fantasy.

Fans of the TV series Buffy the Vampire Slayer have an additional reason to catch this film.  Martin repeated his role as Vlad in the first episode of the fifth season, but as the undead version.  Think of the film as a prequel.

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Oct 092000
 
two reels

Saya, a vampire hunter in Japan just as the Vietnam is about to heat up, is sent by a secret organization to a girl’s school on an American military base. There she seeks out vampiric demons that hide as students.

Quick Review: I’d like to say you should rush out and see this anime film immediately.  Mixing cell animation and CG, no anime looks better.  It suggests an intricate world, with analogies galore.  The pre-Vietnam setting is an underused one, particularly for vampires, and ripe for inspection.  Blood: The Last Vampire, is set up to be brilliant.  But it isn’t, and I can only recommend it when all other options are missing.

The problem is that this isn’t a movie at all.  Running just 48 minutes, it feels like the middle of a film.  None of the mysteries are explained.  None of the possibilities are explored.  Outside of revealing Saya as a vampire (a surprise ruined by the title), her background isn’t touched upon.  Who is she and why does she hunt?  What are the demons she kills?  What is the organization she works for?  What is the connection to the American war?  Nothing is answered.  All the film gives us is Saya running in, finding demons, and fighting them.  The end.  Perhaps a sequel (and a prequel) will make this interesting.  Until then, it nicely animated, but vacuous.

Oct 092000
 
three reels

A teenager’s vision of the explosion of the plane he’s just boarded keeps him (Devon Sawa), several classmates, and a teacher from dying when the plane does explode. However, Death is not going to let anyone escape their fate.

Quick Review: An update of a Twilight Zone episode, Final Destination strips the fat out of the Slasher by eliminating the killer. There is just the killings and the victims. In-between murder scenes, the soon-to-be corpses discuss the meaning of fate (and if you are religious, it brings up some very uneasy questions about weather God is on your side). The entertainment comes from the mousetrap-like deaths that become wilder and wilder as the film goes on. Like most Slashers, there isn’t much plot and almost no surprises, but it’s a great game of dominoes.

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Oct 092000
 
two reels

With the whole of South Park lacking in Christmas spirit, Stan Marsh (voice: Trey Parker), Kyle Broflovski  (voice: Matt Stone), Kenny McCormick  (voice: Matt Stone), and Eric Cartman (voice: Trey Parker) go down in the sewers to find Mr. Hankey.  He has gotten married to a drunk and had three children, so hasn’t had time to bring the spirit of Christmas to the people.  The boys decide they need to help out and set out to make an animated film that will get people in the proper mood.  22 min.

Sometimes you just get lazy.  It’s tricky coming up with something new each week, particularly if you’ve got the money from a successful series to spend.  Some sometimes, you just toss a few old ideas together and hope no one notices.  A Very Crappy Christmas is the work of people who just want a nap.  It has funny moments, but most of it looks pretty old to any fan of South Park.

Once again we get Mr. Hankey, in his most unnecessary appearance.  It’s the same old talking poo jokes, that weren’t that great the first time.  To go with them, we’re given a flat, repetitive, bit about Mrs. Henkey being a drunk.  It is never funny.  Things are better with the boys, as they make their cartoon, The Spirit of Christmas (yes, in the episode, they are making the original short that Trey Parker and Matt Stone made in ’95 and that eventually got them their job).  But a majority of the jokes were told previously, and better, in that short film.  If you watched the five minute short on the internet, and thought, “I like that, but I’d like it better if it was longer, slower, and had less swearing,” then A Very Crappy Christmas should excite you.  And if you did indeed think those things, what’s wrong with you?

The one successful new segment is a parody of the Lion King’s Circle of Life song, The Cycle of Poo.  It is every bit as deep and meaningful as the original.  You’ll have to decide if that means they are both insightful or vacuous.

Oct 092000
 
toxic

Short Film: Grandma (voice: Susan Blu), gets run over by Santa’s sleigh and then disappears.  With her out of the way, Cousin Mel (voice: Michele Lee) attempts to sell the family store and destroy Christmas.  It is up to grandson Jake (voice: Alex Doduk) to find Grandma.

The song Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer was recorded by Elmo and Patsy (husband-and-wife Elmo Shropshire and Patsy Trigg) in 1979, and elicited a few laughs, or at least smiles.  It’s a novelty song, and like most everything done by Weird Al or Spike Jones, it’s mildly entertaining once or twice.  After that it gets old very quickly.  For many, this joke country song was never funny.  Even for those who think it’s a “hoot,” the humor just barely stretches to three minutes.  It’s hard to think of a piece of material that less needed expanding to fifty minutes.  Oh well.

To fill out the extra forty-seven minutes, we’re introduced to bland, clichéd, humorless characters, crudely animated, that do exactly what I knew they would after the first few minutes.  There are no new jokes.  It only has what the song had to offer (and remember, that’s three minutes of so-so humor).  There is a court scene, a lot of standing around in Grandma’s store, and quite a bit of Cousin Mel gloating.  None of it is entertaining.  Much of it is embarrassing.  I find it embarrassing to be part of a society where this dreck is thought worthy of network broadcast time.  It’s embarrassing to live in a country where something so inferior can be produced.  And it’s embarrassing to be part of a species that has not hunted down and destroyed everyone connected to this atrocity.

Is that a bit too strong?  Watch it and you won’t think so.  Better yet, don’t watch it.

Oct 082000
 
toxic

A green creature (Jim Carrey), abused as a child and publicly humiliated recently, takes his revenge upon the shallow residents of Whoville by stealing all of their Christmas presents and decorations.

If, while watching the 1966 animated version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, you thought, “this isn’t bad, but what it really needs is someone, for no particular reason, kissing a dog’s ass” then the 2000 remake is the film for you.  It removes all the charm and dilutes the clever sing-song poetry of Dr. Seuss with an hour and a half of frenetic movement, broad faces that might have been fitting in Ace Ventura, drab dialog, and pointless additional characters.  Half the film appears ad-libbed, which could have been acceptable had the ad-libs been in character, funny, and even a fraction as witty as the book’s dialog, but they are none of those things.  Did director Ron Howard edit anything out of the footage that was shot each day or did he just pull it out of the camera and stick it into the final film?

It would be hard to enlarge the story, told perfectly in twenty-six minutes, to feature length, but Howard and company fail in incomprehensible ways.  Why give us a sad childhood for The Grinch to explain why he hates Christmas (when Dr. Seuss states no one knew the reason) or the nasty, anti-Christmas exploits of the Whos (don’t they need to already understand the meaning of the season for the story to work)?  And from what pool in Hell did Howard pluck the idea of giving The Grinch an erotic love interest?  Christine Baranski does her best in that hopeless role, reaching near orgasm whenever The Grinch in nearby; if only she could have been breathing heavily in another film.  How the Grinch Stole Christmas isn’t just a horrid Christmas film, but is one of the ten worst films ever made.

 Christmas, Reviews Tagged with:
Oct 082000
 
two reels

The anti-Godzilla force, G-Command, has developed a black hole weapon to defeat Godzilla.  However, their first test lets an oversized,  prehistoric dragonfly into our dimension.  Soon, there are thousands of giant insects that want Godzilla’s radioactive blood to feed to their ever growing king.  As the giants fight, Kiriko Tsujimori (Misato Tanaka) and her “G-Grasper” troops try to buy some time for Hajime Kudo (Shosuke Tanihara) to get the black hole weapon working.

There’s Godzilla looking cooler than ever, nice shiny breath-weapon attacks, a giant sinister bug, a military hover plane with plasma cannons, and an ultimate weapon.  That’s what giant monsters flicks are all about.  Godzilla vs. Megaguirus is mild fun for everyone that can suspend disbelief in 50 meter tall creatures, and it doesn’t hurt that it manages to avoid a majority of the problems that plagued the series over the years (though a few are still hanging around).  Still, it never jells, and feels much longer than it’s 100 minutes.

Godzilla vs. Megaguirus eliminates the past, giving a clean start for the big lizard.  Even the original film is ignored.  Yes, Godzilla did attack Tokyo in 1954, as is explained in a series of news clips, but he survived and departed for the deep ocean, where he was not seen again until Japan put a nuclear reactor online in 1966.  It seems he’s drawn to nuclear power, so Japan switched to wind and solar, and moved the capital to Osaka.  In 1996, they tried out “clean” plasma energy, but apparently the gray-green giant likes that too, and cut a swath of destruction on his way to the reactor, countered only by foot soldiers with rocket launchers (gone are the days of laser weapons on trucks).  All of this is great stuff (the recreations of scenes from the 1954 movie with modern effects should leave long-time fans drooling), and sets up Kiriko’s behavior for the rest of the film.  She was a young ranger in ’96, running through the streets with useless weapons, when her commander (and father figure?  Love interest?  It’s vague) was crushed.  Now she’ll do anything to kill the beast.

Unlike the Heisei era films (’84-’95), the characters are well differentiated, and there aren’t too many of them.  And unlike the early Godzilla films, there are no irrelevant subplots dealing with thieves or greedy executives.  This is a movie about a monster and that’s where the focus stays.  This leaves the humans with little to do (there’s got to be a middle ground).  They spend most of their time watching and describing what they see.  I could have a friend sit next to me and do the same thing.

Unfortunately there is a Kenny: a precocious child in inappropriately short shorts that has unbelievable access to government and military leaders and has a connection to the monster(s).  But this Kenny gets less screen time than most, and except for sneaking into a weapons test (Japanese security sucks) and transporting a monster egg to Tokyo, he doesn’t do much.  I’ll have to learn a lot more about Japanese culture to figure out why any Kenny is necessary.

It would be easier to ignore the humans and their mainly exposition-filled conversations if the monster action was first rate.  But all the effort went into our favorite lizard.  The mini-bugs (well, mini from a giant monster perspective) aren’t too bad, but the huge Megaguirus looks exactly like what he is, a puppet on a string.  Except for  a couple of CGI wing-flaps (and those are rare—most of the time the wings are practical, stiff, and hardly moving), Megaguirus could be on stage at a marionette show.  This is one lifeless gnat, which takes the bite, and most of the fun, out of the climactic battle.  If all a film is going to offer is imaginative and exciting monster warfare, than the monsters have to be better than bargain basement.  Godzilla, and the viewers, deserve a better opponent.

Oct 082000
 
two reels

Arrogant scientist Sebastian Caine (Kevin Bacon) injects himself with an invisibility drug.  When he can’t reverse the process, his sanity crumbles while his team, which includes his ex (Elisabeth Shue), search for answers

An updating of the 1931 classic, The Invisible Man, the new version is as predictable as the first.  That’s not a huge problem (as it wasn’t in the original) since the fun is in the invisible action scenes and in the growing madness of the protagonist.  Also like the first, Hollow Man has some humor and a little tragedy as the invisible scientist moves about, but it is in the FX of invisibility that the film excels.  The two transformation scenes, one of a test gorilla regaining visibility and the other of Caine losing it, are spectacular.  We watch as the serum enters the gorilla’s vein and the heart fades in.  Then more blood vessels appear, then bone and muscle.  The film is filled with great FX beyond those two.  As for the characters and story, those work for most of the film.  Bacon has two successful film personas: the pleasant dimwit and the creepy guy.  Here he’s full out “creepy guy.”  There’s something wrong with him at the beginning; by the end, he’s the psycho I always knew Bacon could be.  Shue is miscast as the too nice, too forgiving scientist who goes medieval, but she is a pleasant enough presence.  With all that’s right, its hard to say what blind monkey suggested to director Paul Verhoeven (or perhaps it was to writer Andrew W. Marlowe) that the end should be a series of implausible and clichéd Slasher battles carried out by stupid people.  Let us assume that you know an invisible man whose sanity was questionable when he was visible; what’s more, you have goggles that let you see him.  Would you A. wear the goggles every waking second or B. ignore them and wander about aimlessly?  Guess which one the scientific team chose.  As soon as he disappeared, I would have sent in a rush order for an extra hundred goggles, kept three on me and placed others everywhere I might be in the next week.  The stupidity of the characters does cause a lot of amusing scenes of cobbled-together detection devices (a fire extinguisher, tossed blood), but I can’t watch any of the mayhem without thinking that none of it should be happening.  Add to that the tendency for our heroes to whap inviso-man, assume he’s dead, and then turn their back on him, and we have a dumb group of scientists who have never watched a horror film.  And they needed those horror films because the villain has picked up the Slasher-monster ability to survive anything.  Hit him with a pole, he’s fine.  Set him on fire, no problem.  Blow up the entire floor he’s on, not a scratch.

Even with that ending, I’m forced to defend Hollow Man.  Critics have savaged it because the invisible man likes naked females.  Either these critics are alien eunuchs or just don’t think the desire for nude girls should be in a serious movie.  Well, if the second, they are wrong.  If the first, before I take them to our leader, let me explain: every heterosexual male (not almost every, but every single one of us) has dreamed of being invisible for the sole purpose of standing in the girls’ locker-room.  Before stopping terrorists, getting insider trading info, or sabotaging a football team, we would use this new power to fulfill sexual fantasies.  Ignoring that is much like putting twin beds in 60s sitcom bedrooms—it’s creating a false world.  If it wasn’t on screen, I’d be shaking my head at what was and saying “why’s he doing that when he would be off sneaking in on naked woman?”  You see, there are some powers that everyone would abuse and no one should have.  And that is the heart of the Mad Scientist sub-genre.

Back to Mad Scientists

Oct 062000
 
two reels

Danyael (Dave Buzzotta), the half angel child of Valerie from The Prophecy II, is shot and then rises from the dead, stronger, but driven to an unknown goal. The angel Zophael (Vincent Spano) intends to stop him while Gabriel (Christopher Walken), now human, plans to protect him.

Well, I guess that epic, chill-inducing second war in heaven from The Prophecy didn’t really matter.  Instead, we’ve got a new angel, not part of Gabriel’s war, who is going to rise up and become a god (or God) unless Danyael stops him. What happened to the war in heaven? It was still going on in The Prophecy II? Did all those angel just get tired and good home? And if Pyriel is going to be the new god, shouldn’t he be a bit tougher than a half breed?

For most of The Prophecy 3 there is one angel. Not exactly epic. This Zophael has the power of jumping over fencing and confusing people about money. Not exactly the villain that Gabriel was.  But then, this isn’t exactly a good film.

Spano comes off as a cross between a street tough TV cop and a low budget serial killer, but not an other-worldly being. Buzzotta is a rabid Scott Baio (is there anyone, anywhere, to whom that sounds intriguing?) and Kayren Butler plays Maggie as generic girlfriend number seven. Make that stupid generic girlfriend number seven as she drives Zophael to stop her boyfriend after he gives her his persuasive speech that the attendees of an insane fanatics convention would find over the top. I suppose she could be said to be under angelic influence (though it doesn’t play that way), but when she decides not to help, why doesn’t she just slow down the truck instead of speeding along after poor old Danyael?

Unlike the previous films, there’s no humor. There is a minimal attempt, by repeating gags from the other films (such as the angel not knowing how to drive), but they aren’t funny anymore. Jokes don’t work well the second time around, and Spano doesn’t have Walken’s delivery.

As for Walken, who was the saving grace of the previous film, he’s barely in this one. I’m guessing they had him on set for two or three days, tops. No longer the powerful adversary, he’s now a poorly-dressed man with bad hair extensions.

When it isn’t one long chase, The Prophecy 3 is a tiring explanation of the previous films. There’s multiple, long, unnecessary (as who is watching this who skipped the first two?), and awkward exposition scenes, with Zophael chatting to Gabriel, and the coroner chatting to the girlfriend.

If I pretend that this has nothing to do with The Prophecy, then it is just barely watchable. The perching is still a sight and the androgynous Pyriel (Scott Cleverdon) cuts quite a figure. He oozes evil. It’s not much, but it’s enough to stop me from switching channels, provided nothing interesting is on.